My Broken Heart

Right from the start I'm going to share with you that my heart is heavy. In today's world the mention of the word "cancer" just puts people into a state of panic, uncertainty, and most of all an emotional roller coaster.
Funny though, God tells us about the curses that will come upon us and in some translations it names the curse as "cancer."  I know I've seen it in Deuteronomy, Proverbs, and Isaiah.
Most of us are affected by cancer in one way or another. Today I am affected by cancer through my sister. Her name is Audrey Lynn. Audrey Lynn has no children, married a little later in life than most of us girls, and was recently having trouble breathing, only to find water on her lungs and stomach. She was then tested and it came out positive for peritoneal cancer. It is rare and there is no cure but it can go into remission. I haven't read all there is about this cancer, but I will.
I have memories flooding my mind  since my brother and mother told me it is in stage 4. Just hearing the term "stage 4" made me think of a red flag on fire. I know it's bad.  I've been trying to keep my junk in my trunk, but at some point I have to let it out. It comes in sheets and it comes in trickles.  I am thankful for good friends around me to allow me to cry and share though.
I've been thinking of our life growing up together. It's kind of ironic. When we were younger I wanted what she got. If she got a new bike, I wanted one. She got a new pair of glasses and I lied and said eye sight was bad and I got glasses. We both got skates at the same time. This is the only thing in life that I don't want. There I said it and it hurts. It hurts like getting your finger stuck in a door hinge. I don't wish this disease on anyone, especially my family nor myself. It struck my father who passed away from cancer and now my sister. I am sure that there are people outside my door that have had two or more family members die from cancer. It isn't comforting, but it is truth.
Is believing that my sister is going to live a long life with me going to make me feel better? What if I am determined that God will perform a miracle? Will these thoughts of mine change her status? I think not. I don't want to be brushed on the back and be told it's going to be all right. Of course it is because God is in control. Speaking of which, I've heard whispers today "God's grace is enough." "God's grace." Yes God does extend grace and it is ONLY by His grace that we both are still alive today.
As I sit here venting to you, my friend, I realize that I am angry. Angry at who? God? I can't be angry at God, he loves her more  than I do. At myself? Perhaps.  I got married young and left my home in Virginia, moved to Florida and haven't moved back since. My leaving or staying was not going to have an affect on her getting cancer, I know. It just hurts that I can't be there at this time of her life.
Talking with Audrey Lynn today gave me a little hope. She is determined to think more positively than I am. She is determined that the doctors are going to be able to do what they say they cannot do. We'll see.
The most comforting thing about my relationship with all of my family is that we will see each other in the next life. God knew this for our days were written before we were even conceived. Even that thought doesn't help my broken heart. I want to "just get over it" but I can't.
Today I listened closely to the words from songs such as "I finally made it home" by MercyMe and "Great is our God" by Chris Tomlinson. The words in these songs were powerful to me today. There is much to be said about songs and the lyrics that make them what they are. These songs really touched my brokenness. I had to lift my hands up to praise God in the midst of this brokenness because no matter how much I or my sister is in pain; God is still Lord of all.
God's mercy and grace is new everyday. Without God in my life, I don't know how I would be able to deal with this situation. All I can say is thank you Lord for chasing me for as long as you did and loving me all the way through my hurts and hang-ups.
~Be Encouraged, His mercies are new everyday and it is by grace through faith we are saved


If you are hurting like I am know that God is closer than a brother, He loves a broken heart and is ready to hear you and cry with you.  You may also want to talk to someone about your pain. There is nothing to be ashamed of. 
~Marjorie