Let's go on a trip back in time. There were a couple of times in my life that I put all of my trust into one person. I felt myself place my heart in my hands and say "here take care of this, I'm giving it all to you." The scripture says "Let God be true and every man a liar." Only I didn't know this back then. I thought a boy / man who had your heart was suppose to care for it, nurture it, and protect it; not crush it like a nasty bud on the floor. BUT, he did. I carried this hurt all the way through my life until now.
I have been struggling with many things, but recently I know it's been acted out towards Rodney for things like his driving (which I am still concerned over-LOL), I didn't trust him to do what I asked him to do, and I really didn't trust that he was hearing from the Lord. I know now that I was deceived in thinking we were walking on two different roads. I was questioning why if God is leading him to go this way, then why wasn't I in the loop and wanting to go the same way? I bought the lie that Rodney and God had their own clique and I wasn't welcome in it. In the mean time that I am struggling with Rodney's relationship with trusting God, He showed me something about my trusting others.
Sunday morning I was waiting for some clothes to wash. I thought they would've been done by the time I was to go to church, "his church." I began to get angry and my anger turned into cleaning the house while slamming the doors, dropping brooms, etc. Can you relate? Yeah, I was mumbling under my breathe too. I was fuming while shaking my fist at God for allowing all this to happen. Rodney even asked me if he had done something wrong. He didn't and I told him, but I didn't understand what was happening on the inside of me. I had a lump in my chest, I had hate in my heart and I just didn't understand it.
Rodney asked me to pray with him before he left, something we always do before leaving the house, but I told him no. The word says that if you have something against your brother leave it there at the altar and go reconcile with him. Well I had no intentions of praying with him because I didn't want to slap God in the face with this contrite heart. Rodney left the room I was in and I figured he went out to pray. I was pulled to go to a spare room. So I laid down and told God through my tears just how I felt and I was tired of being tormented. Why didn't I feel led like Rodney? Why didn't I trust him to hear from God too? Aren't we suppose to be one and isn't he suppose to go where I want to go? Why was my heart full of hate? I know that I love him dearly.
Well the Lord quickened my spirit. I knew what was wrong. I leaped off the bed and off to find Rodney. I told him I knew what was wrong. I did not trust him. I did not trust him to lead me into the unknown. I was sobbing in tears by now. He held me and told me God wouldn't allow that to happen, Rodney said he loved me and wasn't going to let me go. Well I have to tell you that I was hurting inside. My insides felt like a knife was tearing me up under my ribs. I cried out for Rodney to not let me go while I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breath.
After an hour of his holding me in my desperate snot nosed tears, I finally said "okay, let's go to church." The Lord allowed the torment within my spirit because He needed to heal a wound so deep that no man, friend, or family member could touch. It was for me and Rodney to walk through together so that our relationship would be stronger than any other we both have had. Our love is deep and lasting.
Before we could come to this place of peace, I had to surrender ALL that God had / has for me to endurel so do you. It's hard to trust people when you've been beaten down spiritually, emotionally, verbally and physically sometimes. God has taken this burden off of my heart, I can feel the sunshine within my heart again and that only comes from Him.
Jesus Christ of Nazareth came to break us free from ALL bondages. We must be the willing part to allow Him to make those changes in our lives. He will.
I can sing of the praises of God's grace and mercy, timing, and faithfulness. I can sing to an audience of one.
That day at church, the Lord has spoken to me and told me that we are to tell of His good deeds among the people. Read Psalm 105:1.
I've had writer's block until now. I've had doubts as to why I write, but now I know. I don't share my junk in my trunk just to air out my laundry. No, I tell you of the great deeds God has done through my dirty laundry so that you KNOW that GOD is the only one who can wash us and make us whiter than snow. Psalm 51.
If you are struggling with anger, hurt, or something you can't put your finger on, than I encourage you to seek God's face in private and allow him to openly answer you. It might hurt for a while, but it is well worth it.
~Be encouraged His words tells us of His works, our words tell others of His victories. Go tell someone what God has done for you today. Blessings are gifts from God himself.
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| I have been so hidden in Christ that Rodney had to come find me. Now I am in the covering of Rodney and Christ. |
