Who is God Anyways?

If you know me there is a pretty good chance you know that I have a love in my heart for Jesus Christ of Nazareth. You would also know that I would want to please God from my heart. I have questioned who I was in Christ for the past year. I am so thankful that God sees you and me in the inner most parts of our being. This means He knows the cries of our hearts that we keep hidden inside. He sees the pain and hurt deep inside our soul, and He is the only one who can do heart surgery at that depth of our being.

I am a sinner, I am like an unclean thing, and all my unrighteousness is like that of filthy rags. I was being lured into believing that the God whom had saved me many times over from death, was waiting for me to mess up again. I was lured into the lie that I didn't know this loving kindness of a Father who has wrapped himself around me wasn't the God I thought He was. I have written, spoken, and shared how God is loving, kind, gentle, and soft spoken. I was lured to believe that I was calling Him by the wrong names, I was not of God if I was not speaking His language, and that I wasn't put on this earth just for him to love me.
I got so mad at Him that I threw my Bible that I have eaten like a chocolate cake under the bed. I swore I was not going to read this book anymore because someone is lying to me. I was taught that Jesus was the Word and He cannot lie. Yet, if I made one wrong move, I was damned to hell.
This was a heavy burden for me to carry, especially when I have carried a burden for so long that weighted me down like a five ton crate. God told me that His yoke is easy and His burden is light; who is lying?

I was beginning to question everyone's walk with Christ. Who is right and who was wrong in their worship of the Lord Jesus Christ. Where did the freedom that Jesus Christ gave on the cross? What about the man that because of the way he looks isn't received in the church building by the "Christians?" What about him? I was led to believe that if he was to walk the isle, I had to question his salvation.  Yet, I learned that God was the only one who knew that man's heart, not me. Who is lying to me?

I did not want to believe that the God who wrapped His arms around me when I was broken, was now laughing at my broken heart. I did not want to believe that the son of God that died on the cross for me, wasn't the same son of God that I had learned about in my early believer's walk.

I began questioning every Pastor whom I had learned from that helped me walk closer to God. I had to question if he was a true believer in Christ. Do you know how heavy this is?

I do not want God's job. I don't want to judge anyone lest I be judged. Who am I? I can't see the man walking the isle. I can only see what is written in the word and compare it to the word coming out of someone else's mouth. Yet, I was wrong if I didn't judge.

Now, I am totally confused. I don't want this God that stands with a stick ready to punish me when I walk outside the lines.  NO!  The God whom I love is gentle and kind. The God I came to know is patient and trustworthy. I am not God and I do not have to live this way, or do I?

None of us know the struggles you face on a day by day journey when you don't share.  People ask, "how can I pray for you?" Sometimes, you really do not know how to answer that question, do you? Especially when you are questioning your walk with Jesus.

I have cried many a days asking God who He really is. I have cried many a days yelling at God about how confined I feel inside. Being underwater and not being able to catch your breath, tightens your chest to the point of hurting. This is the pain I have been experiencing for a long time.
I was dying inside. It is really easy to put on a false personality when you are expected to have a great life.

You see, just as I don't know if a person truly accepts Jesus as Lord when they walk down the isle, other's don't know what pain is in that person's heart if it isn't shared.

Yes, I am a sinner. I am filthy rags. I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ that died on a cross just because He loves me. I want to be loved by God. I want to be overwhelmed with the love that Jesus has for me. I don't want to be kept from believing that my God is who He says He is.  I don't ever want to be separated from the love that I have come to know. My soul and spirit has been stirred up, stepped on, and quenched many times over and I don't have time for that.

Do you have a heavy heart too? Do you want to be loved not based on how you look, walk, talk, or believe? God loves you just where you are. Do you want to have a light heart? Confess with your mouth that you are a sinner, that Jesus is the son of God, and ask him in belief to come into your heart. Ask him to lift this heavy burden that you are carrying around. Believe Jesus is who He says He is. Don't let anyone make you to be double minded. Thank Jesus for coming into your heart that you may live a life free from condemnation.

~Be encouraged to know that no matter how long you've been walking with God, He is still mighty to save.

References:
Isaiah 64:16
Matthew 11:28-29
Romans 6
Galatians 5:22