Masquerade

 I tried to be strong and courageous days before and the day of waiting for the test results from my doctor. I wanted to give the appearance that I was all right and nothing was wrong. I wanted to give my peers the lie that I was not worried about the results.  Then, I broke the morning of. As I was praying with a friend, my fears came to surface. I felt the fear and anxiety from the unknown.
I almost cancelled my appointment. I told those close to me that I would go and promised that I would follow up with the results.
I realized that all I was doing was masquerading my emotions. I was not being transformed and transparent in my situation. Isn't that what the world tells us to do? Do what feels good, it's all right.
So was I wrong for worrying about the unknown? I kept repeating to myself "be strong and courageous." I also kept praying "Lord, it's no surprise to you, please don't let it be a surprise to me either, help me to be strong and courageous."
I think the Lord used this to show me that we can get lost in the world and pretend to be something we're not. We loose ourselves in the process of pleasing others. We are to be more concerned with pleasing our creator because when this life is over, we will answer to Him for our responses to this life.
Here I am again, in need of calling a doctor and making another appointment. I'm procrastinating because I don't want the results. Why not? If it's a minor problem then all this worry is for nothing and if it's a major problem then it has to be dealt with anyways. I think I am weighting the scales.
"If I do  this then that will happen and if this should happen then that will happen."
God is the only who knows what was, is, and is to come. So why worry? I've been  taught it is a sin to worry because the Lord tells us 365 times in the Word "not to be anxious, fret, or fear." I'm human though, that is an emotion, isn't it? So now there is something else to consider.
"Iy, Yiy, Yiy," as Ricky Ricardo would say. 
I surrender all. I'm going to make this really easy for myself and ask simple questions, Lord what do you want me to do?  Lord would you place the right doctor in my path? Lord, would you encourage me and strengthen me to make that call?
I've also been taught that with God all things are possible and apart from him I can do nothing. He, Jesus Christ, taught me that.
So, today is a new day. God has given us all things new under the heavens today. How will you use it?
How am I going to use it? I think I will begin by saying thank you, press forward and persevere through this trial of my own.
How about you?

~ Be in peace and grace
   Marjorie