Breaking My Silence

Someone once told me that God takes our messes and makes it our ministry, but today He is taking my mess and making it His message. If what you are about to read offends you, touches you, or changes you I hope you know I will gladly listen and so will others.
When I was in my teens I became pregnant, twice.  I was a mother before I knew what it meant. I was out to fill an empty unexplainable hole and wanted to know what sex was exactly. I went to my mother to ask her, but my grandmother never talked to her about it so how was she to talk to me and my sister?
The sad thing is that I was led to a "planned parenthood" office. I remember people picketing the front sidewalk that day. It was a beautiful spring day. I knew the procedure from the first time, but they still explained that I was carrying nothing more than a tissue; a lifeless blob. The procedure was not exactly described to me, but the "problem" was. The problem was that I was too young to take care of another human being. I was too involved in the community and should be concerned with "what would others think or say?" All I had to do was go to this office and they will take care of the "problem."
What people will not tell you is the cause and affect of "taking care of the problem" instead of offering you solutions to the situation."
When I was fourteen I went to the clinic and it was more like a dream I was walking through. The next time when I was sixteen, it was VERY real. I cared about what I was doing so much so that I lifted my head to see what the doctor / nurse was doing. I felt odd in my stomach so I lifted my head to see what was happening.  I felt tears stream down my face and I cried at the sight of a vacuum. I just knew that this was a living breathing human being, but I was told it was a blob; lifeless tissue. I wanted to scream but couldn't, I wanted to run but my knees were locked so I did nothing.
My heart still cries today for these children I killed. No excuses, no more lies, and no more sweeping it under the carpet.
I've learned that my guilt, shame, self-esteem, suicide thoughts, and more were all part of what comes with an abortion. There is no joy, peace, or love in these things. The problem is not gone after an abortion, it just begins.  The one emotion that I did not do is grieve.
When we face the hurt we've caused, realize we need to forgive, and accept God's love our lives begin to change. It isn't a snap of your fingers kind of change, but a slow gradual change. There are many parts of my life that have been affected by my abortion. When people would talk about abortion my stomach would tighten and I would clench my jaws. I always carried around a deep sense of regret and loss. I believe there are spiritual blocks that come from this act of selfishness.
I recently knew that I needed healing and begin to experience peace in my life.
Before I went to any crisis center, I was in church when I experienced the presence of my children. I could hear a soft whisper in each ear "I forgive you momma and we're waiting for you in heaven." It was after this particular Sunday that I decided to seek help in forgiving, loving, and moving forward. I walked into our local Women's Resource Center and asked for someone to talk to. It was then that I found out I was dealing with "post-abortion" grief. I walked through a post abortion bible study for women and walked away with the knowledge of being free in Christ.
Once again, I thought I was now over the abortions, dealt with it, "I'm good" and I can move on....wrong.
The anniversary of Roe v Wade and the Sanctity of Life is celebrated on January 22, 2012. This date has brought me to another milestone in my life and dealing with abortion. I've asked the Lord to reveal to me what He wants me to deal with in my life; ask and you shall receive.
He directed me to be honest with the father of one of my unborn children. That was difficult to do. I couldn't see him face to face, but the Lord provided a way.
I hurt for him too. I didn't give him the opportunity to know he was a daddy, that he had a part in producing the life of a child, a miracle, a blessing.
I cannot be silent any longer. Abortion is wrong. Abortion is not a quick fix to short term problem. Abortion carries such a book bag of guilt, unworthiness, bondage, unforgiveness, shame, abandonment, hurt  and other bricks with it.  You become a slave to the sin through torment until you choose to be free from the bondage of sin. God doesn't condemn you, but love you. God's anger is slow to wrath, God forgives, God gives freedom and an everlasting life.
Through all the pain, suffering, heartache, and the trials of looking directly at the truth of my abortion experience I have gained peace through God's grace and mercy.

A Post-Abortion Bible Study for Women called Forgiven and Set Free helped me on my journey to healing and with my words above.
I encourage you to do the same; do not be silent anymore. I am the voice of the unheard.
I am a child of God the Father Almighty. I am who God says I am.
A Women's Resource Center is a confidential crisis center and no one will know why you are there unless you tell them.   Call someone today and talk about your options; it's never too late.
Be encouraged!
~ Marjorie

PS. My daughter's name is Victoria (victory) and my son's name is David (a warrior) whom are in heaven with the Jesus Christ and their grandfather. I also have two wonderful living children Brooke (strong flow) and Scott (over comer)
 I look forward to meeting my unborn children one day.